Definitive list of whales, ranked.



  1. Right Whale: It has an upside-down head — a bold move that pays off.
  2. Sperm Whale: Has a silly name but really excels in all areas of being a whale: staying underwater, fighting squid, spraying sonar around the sea, looking like an ocean bus. Having teeth rather than baleen means not having to eat krill.
  3. Narwhal: Sea unicorn that has ocean sword fights. Slightly less cool when you realize its horn is actually a big tooth, making it the whale version of this.
  4. Orca: Doesn’t look anything like the other whales and hangs out around the Pacific Northwest, so it’s basically the hipster whale. Eats real food like seals rather than krill. Was in Free Willy, but, then again, was in Free Willy. Kind of an asshole, but you can’t argue with success. Secret shame: actually a dolphin.
  5. Humpback Whale: Basic canonical whale. Has good press. Bit too mainstream, really.
  6. Beluga Whale: Ongoing experiment in whether white privilege applies to cetaceans.
  7. Blue Whale: Coasting on its size; must try harder.
  8. Gray Whale: Blue whale that’s smaller and more boring.
  9. Minke Whale: Kinda puny for a whale.
  10. Fin Whale: Second biggest animal in the world, i.e. the first loser. Described by Roy Chapman Andrews as the “greyhound of the sea,” and we all know what Captain Hank Murphy of Sealab said about greyhounds. (”Too pointy.”)
  11. Beaked whale: You are not a bird, please reconsider your choices.
  12. Pilot Whale: Dolphin with ideas above its station.

I may disagree with some of the particulars of these results but I can’t fault the methodology

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